I have a friend, "Nancy", who is a rising star in her restaurant but is struggling mightily in her role as Assistant General Manager. She started with the company seven years ago as a food server, became the service lead, then became a floor manager and almost two years ago was promoted to AGM. The General Manager's seat is held open for her to take the job when her superiors deem her fit, but it is taking longer than expected for her to seize the title and responsibilities. She has the experience and skills, but just isn't "there" yet.
Recently she asked me why she is having difficulty making the jump to the next level and I told her one reason is that she can't be friends with her employees. She was floored. "A manager is supposed to be friendly and that is what I'm doing", she stated.
The problem is that as she rose through the ranks from food server to manager, she never lost her sense of being buddies with the line staff and she is learning the hard way that there is a huge difference between being friends and being friendly.
Of course managers must be friendly with line employees, but the lines needs to be drawn at "friendly" and not blurred into "friends". Nancy didn't draw that line and as a result she doesn't have the full respect and support of her all of her staff and this is one of the major reasons she isn't getting over the hump to the next level in her career progression.
Here's a great example of why it is difficult for young managers to know where the friendliness line with employees should be drawn. The
definition of "friend" according to
www.freedictionary.com is as follows:
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
Those all sound great, right? When it is a busy night in the restaurant, managers and employees who know and like each other are bound by all of those things, even if only for a few hours during the busy rush. I would actually describe my own management style in similar terms but would even go deeper than the words "knows, likes and trusts" mentioned in the definition above. In many cases I would use words like supportive, caring, genuine, warm and fun to describe my relationship with some employees and their relationship to me. Those are all words one would use to describe a friendship.
However, no matter what words are used to describe a relationship between a manager and an employee, being "friends" should never be confused with having a "friendship". I encouraged Nancy to be a friendly boss, show caring and compassion, have fun and even exhibit some characteristics of friendship. But she must learn that the job of a business leader rises above friendship and absolutely requires boundaries whereby there is never a question about the differing roles of manager and employee.
If a manager fails to make the distinction between being friendly and having a friendship with line employees, so many bad things are bound to happen. Here are some of the things Nancy is struggling with because of her inability to establish the friendship boundary:
Favoritism: Even if it isn't true, Nancy has created a
perception of favoritism with her employee friends. She believes she is being fair and objective in how she treats each employee, but those outside her circle of friends don't see it that way and are clearly not motivated employees. If a manager allows herself to get attached to any particular employee or group of employees, there is a tendency (either consciously or unconsciously) for that friendship to influence decisions that affect those employees such as job assignments, raises, promotions, etc. After all, it is tough to create a
culture of inclusion if favoritism exists.
Hurt Feelings: What happens when Nancy has to discipline, or worse, fire a friend? Or what if the friend doesn't like the way things are being managed? Somebody is going to take things personally and the result will be disastrous to daily performance or possibly both of you but certainly the business in general will suffer.
Unprofessionalism: What happens when employees go out after work and tip back a few drinks? They get silly, they talk and even complain about everything work related...including the manager. When this is your circle of employee friends and you go with them, either you do the same, which is unprofessional, or you continue to walk the company line while everyone sees you as a straight laced "company monkey". Either way it is unprofessional and you lose.
CYA: You and/or your company could get sued by any variety of lawsuits. Harassment and discrimination lawsuits are so common that your HR department has surely laid down the rules regarding nepotism and manager/employee relationships. The rules are there to protect you. Pay attention to them!
When Nancy steps back and observes her work scene objectively, she is going to realize that all of these problems exist in her restaurant, but they don't have to. She will eventually learn how to draw the friend/employee line and be a friendly, compassionate, fun and caring leader without stepping into the friendship pitfalls. When she does, her staff will notice the favoritism going away and they'll buy into her leadership and the next step into the General Manager role will come much more easily.
