Should Managers be Friends with Line Employees?

I have a friend, "Nancy", who is a rising star in her restaurant but is struggling mightily in her role as Assistant General Manager.  She started with the company seven years ago as a food server, became the service lead, then became a floor manager and almost two years ago was promoted to AGM.  The General Manager's seat is held open for her to take the job when her superiors deem her fit, but it is taking longer than expected for her to seize the title and responsibilities.  She has the experience and skills, but just isn't "there" yet.

Recently she asked me why she is having difficulty making the jump to the next level and I told her one reason is that she can't be friends with her employees.  She was floored.  "A manager is supposed to be friendly and that is what I'm doing", she stated. 

The problem is that as she rose through the ranks from food server to manager, she never lost her sense of being buddies with the line staff and she is learning the hard way that there is a huge difference between being friends and being friendly. 

Of course managers must be friendly with line employees, but the lines needs to be drawn at "friendly" and not blurred into "friends".  Nancy didn't draw that line and as a result she doesn't have the full respect and support of her all of her staff and this is one of the major reasons she isn't getting over the hump to the next level in her career progression.

Here's a great example of why it is difficult for young managers to know where the friendliness line with employees should be drawn.  The definition of "friend" according to www.freedictionary.com is as follows:

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.

3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

Those all sound great, right?  When it is a busy night in the restaurant, managers and employees who know and like each other are bound by all of those things, even if only for a few hours during the busy rush.  I would actually describe my own management style in similar terms but would even go deeper than the words "knows, likes and trusts" mentioned in the definition above.  In many cases I would use words like supportive, caring, genuine, warm and fun to describe my relationship with some employees and their relationship to me.  Those are all words one would use to describe a friendship.

However, no matter what words are used to describe a relationship between a manager and an employee, being "friends" should never be confused with having a "friendship".  I encouraged Nancy to be a friendly boss, show caring and compassion, have fun and even exhibit some characteristics of friendship.  But she must learn that the job of a business leader rises above friendship and absolutely requires boundaries whereby there is never a question about the differing roles of manager and employee.

If a manager fails to make the distinction between being friendly and having a friendship with line employees, so many bad things are bound to happen.  Here are some of the things Nancy is struggling with because of her inability to establish the friendship boundary:

Favoritism:  Even if it isn't true, Nancy has created a perception of favoritism with her employee friends.  She believes she is being fair and objective in how she treats each employee, but those outside her circle of friends don't see it that way and are clearly not motivated employees.  If a manager allows herself to get attached to any particular employee or group of employees, there is a tendency (either consciously or unconsciously) for that friendship to influence decisions that affect those employees such as job assignments, raises, promotions, etc.  After all, it is tough to create a culture of inclusion if favoritism exists.

Hurt Feelings:  What happens when Nancy has to discipline, or worse, fire a friend?  Or what if the friend doesn't like the way things are being managed?  Somebody is going to take things personally and the result will be disastrous to daily performance or possibly both of you but certainly the business in general will suffer.

Unprofessionalism:  What happens when employees go out after work and tip back a few drinks?  They get silly, they talk and even complain about everything work related...including the manager.  When this is your circle of employee friends and you go with them, either you do the same, which is unprofessional, or you continue to walk the company line while everyone sees you as a straight laced "company monkey".  Either way it is unprofessional and you lose.

CYA:  You and/or your company could get sued by any variety of lawsuits.  Harassment and discrimination lawsuits are so common that your HR department has surely laid down the rules regarding nepotism and manager/employee relationships.  The rules are there to protect you. Pay attention to them!

When Nancy steps back and observes her work scene objectively, she is going to realize that all of these problems exist in her restaurant, but they don't have to.  She will eventually learn how to draw the friend/employee line and be a friendly, compassionate, fun and caring leader without stepping into the friendship pitfalls.  When she does, her staff will notice the favoritism going away and they'll buy into her leadership and the next step into the General Manager role will come much more easily.

Create Culture of Inclusion

It's important to understand that little gets accomplished when employees don't feel appreciated or like they matter.  Everyone in the department matters regardless of their job title. A good leader includes everyone in the team's cause.  A great leader engages each person individually and shows them all that each of them are important both as employees and as people.

 

Earlier we discussed why employees are more important that customers (since happy and appreciated employees treat your customers like gold) and the philosophy of inclusion builds upon that idea.  When your employees know they matter and they feel included, then they are happy, are actually eager to give you their energy and loyalty and they end up treating your guests well.  On the other hand, employees who don't feel included are apathetic and just see their job as a paycheck and nothing more.

 

Here's how to create a culture of inclusion where everyone matters:

 

Make sure everyone KNOWS they matter

Take every opportunity to get to know your employees on a personal level. Learn their kids names, birthdates and favorite activities.  Say hello to each employee when you pass them in the hallway.  Acknowledge special non-work events such as a graduation or the birth of a grandchild.  Understand what their experiences, ambitions and dreams are all about.  Watch their faces break into broad smiles when you wish an employee's child a happy birthday because you remembered a small detail about their personal life.  The bottom line is to make everyone feel special and that you care about them as a person and watch their job engagement escalate.

 

Recognize talent and good work.  If you can make your employees feel you notice and appreciate the good work they do, their level of commitment skyrockets. That increased level of commitment translates into a strong personal connection to the work they do as their pride in a job well done begins to soar.  Ultimately this translates into a happy, productive work force that will show their loyalty to you by doing their very best every day.

 

And when I say everyone matters, I literally mean everyone.  The person who cleans the stoves at night are just as important as the chef who dirtied it up in the first place. The person that cleans the hotel rooms is just as important as the sales executive that filled the hotel with guests.  I would venture to say those "low level" staff members might even be more important than the upper tier managers because if the rooms are dirty and the kitchen is filthy, there would be no guests to serve in the first place.

 

Solicit Staff Input

Great leaders are self aware enough to know they don't know everything.  If you are confident in your abilities, then you should have no problem soliciting input from staff and listening to what they have to say.  Ask for your employee's opinions, suggestions and ideas and you'll find you make better decisions and garner greater commitment from your staff to achieve your goals.

 

It is important to NEVER dismiss employee input without thoroughly examining the pros and cons of implementing the idea. We should always be asking ourselves and our employees "Why do we do it this way?" and "How can we do it better?".  Who would know better than the employees who are in the trenches everyday and living through the challenges that management never see?  When employees answer your questions, politely thank them for their input even if the input was the worst idea you've ever heard of.  Dismissing their ideas right away will eventually cause them to clam up and never offer their opinions in the future since they don't feel their thoughts are valued.

 

Be There

Good leaders are always available when needed.  Keep an open door policy and encourage employees to come to you with issues they may be facing.  Take the time to listen to employee needs and concerns because taking care of "trivial" problems prevents larger problems from developing in the future.  After all, you cannot create a culture of inclusion if you aren't available to listen to your employees.

 

Communicate With Purpose

You want to be clear in what you are trying to say so there is no confusion.  You want to communicate directly to avoid beating around the bush.  And you want to communicate honestly without prejudice.  This is what I call Communicating with Purpose.

 

Your staff will know if you are not being honest with them and it will affect how they see you as a leader.  I'm not talking about not being honest like you are lying to them.  I mean being honest like calling it like you see it.  You can't be afraid to have tough conversations with people to address issues of concern.  A good leader will deal with the issue directly, honestly and clearly state the problem as well as the expectation.  You must communicate with purpose or you will be seen as weak, indecisive or just plain not trustworthy.

 

This doesn't mean beat employees up with a harsh tone or hurtful words.  Quite the contrary.  Address issues directly without emotion and in a manner of simply dealing with clearing the problem so the employee may proceed and be successful in his or her role.  Be thoughtful to the other person's feeling and show empathy, but communicate with a purpose to make sure the point of contention and desired outcomes are clearly understood.

 

Let Go

Don't micromanage.  Nobody likes that.  If you feel you need to micromanage then perhaps you should consider that you have people in the wrong roles.  Great leaders hire talent, provide the tools necessary to do the job, clear roadblocks, communicate responsibilities, uphold accountability then let people do their jobs without interference.

 

Leaders are good at clearly communicating vision and objectives then leaving the details of how to achieve that vision and accomplish those objectives to the people doing the jobs.  You might have a great job title and a plush office, but that doesn't make you smarter than the collective group of people you rely upon to achieve your goals.

 

Communicate your vision, objectives and expectations then let your people run with accomplishing them.

 

The bottom line is that if you want to create a high performing team, then make sure everyone knows they matter and they are included.  Ask for input and listen to it.  Value each team member as an individual.  Be available to your staff, communicate with a purpose and don't micromanage.  You'll find that the level of trust, loyalty and overall performance on your team will increase dramatically.

Good Leaders Seek Feedback, Listen and Collaborate

A critical leadership skill that is the most simple, yet effective method of improving your performance as a manager is to seek out and listen to employee feedback. Ask employees what they think. Ask them what is working well and what isn't.  Ask them how we could do things differently and still achieve the department goals and objectives.  And definitely ask them how you are performing as a leader and what you can do to improve.

 This is often a difficult leadership skill to master because we naturally do not like hearing that as a leader we are not performing well in certain areas. But this is exactly the kind of information effective leaders seek out. We can't fix what we don't know is broken. Ask your employees to tell you what is broken then act upon it. 

Of course, not everything employees bring up are true problems.  It is your job to understand which feedback items are genuine issues that make work difficult or unpleasant and which issues are non-factors.

One important method of addressing the day-to-day work problems your employees identify for you is to incorporate employee ideas into the eventual solution.  This is called empowerment.  If employees feel like their input is valued and their ideas are implemented, then they feel like they are part of the solution.  On the flip side, if management unilaterally creates new policies or procedures they think will solve the problem then mandate that employees follow them then employees feel less valued, less motivated and eventually morale will be in the tank.

So brainstorm solutions to issues as a team. It is up to management to set the vision and department objectives but management should then relinquish enough control to empower employees to come up with their own solutions that support that vision and achieves those objectives.  Who knows, maybe the employees will come up with a creative solution that is more effective than the ideas you might have had. 

Whatever you do, don't take employee feedback personally.  For example, if an employee says you are not organized and it is making their job harder, the first natural response is to get defensive and argue that you are organized and maybe the employee just needs to be more efficient. This reaction is the fast lane to disaster because your employees will know you totally missed the point, will no longer trust you, will no longer provide you with the valuable feedback you need to be a successful leader.

Instead, ask probing questions to better understand what exactly they mean and determine root causes of their frustration.  It could very well be the case that what the employee is saying is true. This is a golden opportunity for you to plug a gap in your job effectiveness and take a step in the right direction to becoming a better manager.

As employees see changes in the right direction and learn to trust that you are seeking feedback in a "safe" manner that doesn't lead to hard feelings or worse, retaliation against the employee who provided the feedback, they will begin to feel like they are being heard and respected. Employees who see progress being made to address their concerns feel empowered to make more suggestions which leads to a more productive work environment and growth in your leadership skills.